To date or not to date

To date I haven't felt any desire to date. I've been told how I need to move on; that I need to get back out there. I'm just not ready. And I'm not really sure where "there" is.

The dating scene was awash with weirdos already the last time I tried my luck and that was almost a decade ago! What would I be in for now? 

There was one guy whose driver picked me up for our date. He emerged dressed head to toe in polyester satin, wearing trousers with a dragon embroidered on them. He took me to a posh club and then made a point about arrogantly announcing he'd never buy a drink to a woman who wasn't his Mum. As I returned from the bar with a cocktail and a pack of cigarettes another man had insisted on buying for me, he tried to bum one off me. I excused myself to the toilet and never returned. 

Then there was another one, a freakishly tall man that had absolutely nothing to say about anything. He insisted on taking me out for dinner before 5pm, so that he could claim it back as business expense. The following morning I was greeted by his face on the cover of a gossip magazine telling about his relationship with a beauty pageant.

There was also that guy I thought I'd killed (oh, don't try to tell me that's never happened to you...!) , only to find myself on a blind date with him a couple of months later. His idea of a decor was a Play Station 2 and a stack of porn magazines. And that was one of the healthiest dates I went on.

Then there was a guy who, in the last census, reported his religion as " a Jedi". I rest my intergalactic case right there.

In the name of research I decided to sign up for one of those dating websites. I was impressed by their attention to detail and the precision with which they ask you questions in order to match you with a potential match. It all just seemed so time-consuming and...technical. It took me an hour just to figure out a screen name. How on earth can you think of one word that captures the essence of you and makes men go crazy? And one that at the same time wards off the actual crazies out there? "DD_cup_blondebabe_part-time_mercenary_loves2cook4u_79"?

Eventually I settled for a Hebrew one. Which is probably going to make them think I'm the weird one. 

Creating my profile took me 2 hours. Removing it only took 2 seconds. Who am I kidding. I'm not ready.