Now, don't get me wrong- I like dates. Especially stuffed with cream cheese with roasted garlic and wrapped in pancetta. I love dates! But the human interaction variety is a trickier business. So many things can go wrong. And often do. Just look at Toby Harris and his first dates (he's doing the dirty work for me...)!
Who to go out with? Where to go? How far to go? What to wear? What to talk about? And most importantly: what not to talk about? I can't imagine anyone being too impressed by my obsessive blogging about my ex. So, the next guy would have to someone even better.
Here's a little list I prepared earlier:
Tall, dark, handsome, funny (in a witty, smart way- not in a retarded Jim Carrey way), smart, successful, toned, sophisticated, wordly, positive, cultured, heterosexual, single, well travelled, well read, educated, culinaristic (no food allergies!), open-minded, socially aware, romantic, opinionated, expressive, DIY-capable, wealthy, thoughtful, loving, reliable, loyal, affectionate, organized, sensual, stylish, well behaved, committing, caring, generous, spontaneous, adventurous, easy-going, well dressed, respectful, social and - already in the possession of all this - down-to-earth.
Real estates are a plus. Sexually transmitted diseases a minus.
No pets, no children, no ex-wives and acrimonious divorces, no facial hair, chest hair, ear hair, nose hair or toe hair.
No vegetarians, convicted criminals or butterfly-collectors.
No workaholics, alcoholics, narcotics, pedofiles, zoophiles, human-, sex, or drug traffickers, unemployed, anyone living at their mum's, cross-dressers, serial rapists or clowns (it's a serious medical condition, people! It even has a name: coulrophobia! )
Circumcision is expected as is proficiency in at least 3 languages (none of which are Middle Earth or Klingon) and a good personal hygiene.
Hair must be shorter and bum bigger than mine. Nothing is more embarrassing than your boyfriend looking better in your skinny jeans. I know.
Musicians and especially wannabe-musicians not wanted. Same goes for bigamists, scientists, professional athletes, manual laboureres and midgets. Oh, I'm sorry: dwarfs. No, little people. Wait, what are we calling them these days?
Those with erectile dysfunction needn't apply, nor people with PS2, mental illnesses, skin conditions or extra toes. Tattoos are fine. As long as they've been lasered off.
Oh, and I'd really prefer a Jew.
Well that wasn't so difficult, actually. And really: how hard can it be to come by a man like that? I'm sure I'm the only one looking for him...
And still... If I got to choose... Champagne-fuelled hot air balloon ride over Paris with doves showering me and that dream man with rose petals sounds perfectly nice but I'd choose Pizza Hut with The Man any day.
That's how bad I've got it. Just thinking of him makes my heart giddy and I can't help but smile. Still.
I once wrote a list about the qualities my ideal man would have. It began in a similar way to your, with tall, dark and handsome. The love of my life is handsome, but not in the tall and dark way.
ReplyDeleteMy dark haired ex looked like a weasel, and wasn't particularly tall either. The ex was charming, smart and had that je ne sais quoi that first caught my eye. In the end he told me it wouldn't work, as he thought it took me too long to get around to sleeping with him (I didn't think a week of getting to know one another was excessive). That showed me that he was also cruel, egotistical and only in it for the prospect of getting laid. He treated another girl I knew even worse.
In hindsight, I had a lucky escape with the evil ex. Physical attraction is important, but I'm more picky about character traits these days...
A week? He wouldn't even get on a date with me in a week! This calls for gutturals; nothing less will do, and Germans have a perfect word for men like that: arsloch!
ReplyDeleteYour man has the looks of an Olympic swimmer who successfully sidelines as an underwear model AND he's got a good personality`? That's just not fair... ;-)
Underwear model?! He's a genetic freak, to be fair, but even he hasn't been able to survive his beer and burger diet, without succumbing to the deskjob spread...
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