There's some kind of an athletic championship thing going on and the streets are awashed with toned, trimmed bodies and none of them is mine. Yesterday I saw a woman (probably a long jumper of some sort) with legs so long and limber that she probably wouldn't have even needed to leave her country to break the existing record- her legs would have probably reached our soil without a glitch.
My stumpy little legs on the other hand are trying hard to negotiate life's tracks as destiny keeps throwing new hurdles in. Mostly in the form of poorly timed phone calls and confusing e-mails. Such as the one I just got from The Man. Knowing how much I loved our time in Stockholm he has booked a romantic weekend there as a surprise. Well, surprise it is.
The weekend in question is next week. He made the reservations last December. I'm puzzled in a way 5000-piece picture of yet another medieval German church can only imagine.
He made plans 8 months ahead? He's been that certain that we'd still be together? As you might remember- that has never been the case with me.
What was the purpose of that trip? And more poignantly: what would the purpose of that trip be now?
Even if I did manage to scrape together enough money for the flights (better not get any hopes up- even my Visa can't stretch any further), what would be in the itinerary? Sincere talks about what this is and where it's headed (I dare you: try saying that with a straight face...)?
A casual weekend of no-strings-attached-fun after which I'd come back to this lonely limbo, probably even more heartbroken? (and pregnant, seeing how I'm no longer on the Pill...)
After everything that's happened I'm not capable of anything casual, especially with him. He already has such hold of my heart I'm afraid what he'll do with it. No matter how much positive approach and can do- attitude I've been trying to inject into my life the fact is that I'm so worn out by this all and my shrivelled, beaten little heart would not be able to survive another break-down.
I'm exhausted, scared, perplexed, sad and anxious. Of course I want to see him, OF COURSE I DO! I want to see him and be with him and never let go. But... not like this.
As my mind is hard-wired to only regret things I didn't do as opposed to things I did (and with any luck learn something from) I can't help but wonder... Would not going be something I'd bitterly end up regretting? On the other hand... it's hardly unfair to expect him to take the responsibility of the "make or break"- scenario?
As my mind is hard-wired to only regret things I didn't do as opposed to things I did (and with any luck learn something from) I can't help but wonder... Would not going be something I'd bitterly end up regretting? On the other hand... it's hardly unfair to expect him to take the responsibility of the "make or break"- scenario?
My brain is telling me not to go. When he's ready and sure, he'll come to me, right? My heart, that unfortunate underdog is telling me to sell a kidney to get those plane tickets. But even my heart is starting to have some reservations... Could it be... would it be...is this a booty call?
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