Shop til you drop

Queen just celebrated her Diamond Jubilee, having occupied that throne of hers for 60 years now. My word, that lady knows her bling...!

I do love a good royal knees-up. Any royal family will do, really. A couple of summers ago the Swedish Crown Princess married her personal trainer-come-Prince Charming. I was ready and raring to go. I donned my favourite tiara and the champagne was chilled to perfection.  What I failed to take into consideration in all this excitement was that I'd just been discharged from the hospital and was on 5 different prescription drugs for kidney infection. 3 hours later I woke up under the kitchen table, having passed out and happily slept through the entire ceremony, the tiara still perched on the top of my head... Drugs and alcohol, kids. They really don't mix.

I took part in this year's celebrations by purchasing a skirt in the jubilant colours of the Union Jack. You see, any excuse to go shopping will do...

I once bought an entire golf-wardrobe because I was convinced I'd love the game. That was 10 years ago. I still haven't acquired my green card. In fact, I never even made it to the range from the introductory G&T's. 

I also have the perfect outfits to go sailing (another sport I'm determined to embrace). I'll look so fab when lounging on the deck and basking in the sun. Obviously I can't go anywhere near water as they're dry-clean only.

I am also in the possession of an extensive workout wardrobe. Should I ever need it. I once purchased a Pilates DVD because it promised visible results in days. I've had the DVD for about 6 years now. No visible results, I can tell you. And the DVD doesn't even have a warning label that tells you that in order to get the results you must first remove the plastic wrapper, insert the disc into your DVD player and actually follow the instructions. How's that for false advertising?

I also have an Israeli Army t-shirt that I honestly can't think of a single socially acceptable function to wear it to.  And the perfect dress (ok, two perfect dresses) for sitting around the camp-fire under the African sunset after a safari. You know, for when I'll have the time and money to actually go on one...

And I have enough little black dresses to see me through all of my friends' funerals (if you guys are reading this... sorry). With a less than 3-minute-notice I could also produce an appropriate outfit (including a collection of fascinators) should the invitation to Queen's garden party/ Ascot/ any royal wedding ever make it through my letter box. 

I also just happen to have a glamorous, yet modest and elegantly ethnic wardrobe in case I'll ever get kidnapped and locked in a palace somewhere in Oman. Or in case I find a job as Dr. Who's assistant and end up timewarped in the 50's Hollywood (those could happen...).

I might not be organized or be able to plan ahead, but sartorially I am prepared for anything. 

What a shame then it is that I spend all my time hiding at home, wearing sweat pants and The Man's old rugby shirt...