He loves me, he loves me not...

As far as this "casual exchange of messages" and "seeing what he comes up with" go...  I didn't have you fooled for a second, did I?

After that initial call there have sporadic messages. With no real substance. And no matter how I made myself promise I'd be the one waiting to see what he comes up with; that he'd be in charge of initiating the contact I folded like that proverbial cheap suit. I've been texting him too. And the longer this has gone on, the less casual my approach has become. I find myself looking forward to hearing from him. I find myself feeling disappointed the longer it takes before I do. And I find myself feeling anxious not knowing if I do hear from him again.

Did I really think I could play it cool? That after everything I have at stake; everything I have emotionally invested in this, I could actually keep it casual? As if!

My friends have warned me, of course they have. They say this is just him reeling me back in and then stringing me along even more. And as much I have wasted the little energy I have had left on defending him ("no, he doesn't set out to deliberately hurt me",  "no, he's not just toying with me", "no, he's not evil, he's just confused"...) my conviction is wearing thin.

Of course he is stringing me along. If he was any more certain this time about his feelings and his needs and what he's ready for... he'd just come out and say it, right? Instead he's not promising anything, he's not even really bringing anything new into these negotiations. He's just doing what he does best- throwing a little gesture my way expecting me to eat it up like a starved stray dog, always leaving me wanting for more. 

He's not expressed his desire to take things any further. He just keeps me tied to him with the texts. And the complicated situation (What are we? Exes? Pen pals? Dating? In the process of getting back together?) allows him the freedom to keep on doing it for as long as he wants until he tires of it and I'm shoved back into what ever closet he mentally keeps me in  until feels like playing again?

No, that was wrong. It's not his freedom that allows it. It's me. I allow him to treat me that way.

And by now he should know how much all this hurts me. He should not want to do all that to me again. In fact, if he loved me, he would not want to make me go through all that again, would he?

And I do find it humiliating: knowing that everything we've been through I still wasn't enough for him to get in touch with me. Even that e-mail I sent him wasn't enough for him to want to stay in touch with me. Someone else (my sister and that e-mail she wrote) had to intervene and ask him if there might be a way to fix things. 

My feelings haven't gone anywhere. I still love him. And miss him. And want him. He's still every bit as much under my skin as he was all those months ago. And for as long as I have him in my life- no matter how small a cameo the role- I'm not going to get anywhere. And one thing I do know now is that I want to get somewhere. I am going to find someone who wants to share his life with me the way I want to share his.