I haven't heard from The Man. I have however, had several e-mails from my psychic: Gabrielle, the Golden Nostradamus of Clairvoyants (her words, not mine.Trust me.).
She says she can tell I've read her reading. Well, it doesn't exactly take a psychic to figure that one out- just the right browser settings. She says she can also tell my distress still continues. Well, would a ludicrously happy, loved-up person with a brilliant job really feel the need to seek celestial consultation?
She tells me she's worried. Not sure whether it's over me or my apparent reluctance to pay her €49 for an "in-depth astral reading that would provide me the tools I need to make the right choices now that the stars are realigning, welcoming in an era of change". She's so genuinely worried she's even offered to drop the price (limited offer about to expire in 3 minutes) to €39.
She also warns me I tend to bee too emotional and let my heart make decisions. Clearly she's right on the money with that one too- no sensible, rational, logically inclined person would genuinely seek advice from a psychic she found on Facebook.
She also tells me anger is not the way to go. In this one Gabrielle and I totally disagree.
I've not been able to not think about The Man. I do want him to be safe and happy. I keep thinking about how he says we need time, but the truth is I don't understand what for. He's almost 52. He's had 7 years. What does he need time for? To figure out if he does in fact want to be with me? If after 7 years he still doesn't know... would he ever?
His reaction to the proposal in February was humiliating beyond words. England not qualifying to Euro Cup doesn't come anywhere close. Yet, my love for him was greater than that and I was willing to put that humiliation in the past and focus on the future I thought was waiting for us after I agreed to give him a second chance. But no, the humiliation just continues.
I'm beginning to see him in a new light, one that isn't too flattering. It's not about him being over half a century and still not knowing what he wants; still having his priorities all fucked up. I did give him time as I thought that was what he needed, but you know what- it wasn't. What he needs is NOT having to take anyone else's needs and desires into consideration. What he wants is NOT having to make room for anyone else in his life. What he is ready for is NOT having to realize this is my life too and I should get to exercise some control over it too.
When my friend died (and with all the other cancer diagnoses I've witnessed) I decided to not forget the lesson I learnt from it. Life is now. We can't postpone things forever, because eventually (and none of us knows when) the time will run out and by then it's too late for retakes. I know what I'm ready for and I'm ready for it now.
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