The (un)happy end

The Man made a special guest appearance  in my dream last night. What a bittersweet experience waking up this morning was... This hasn't happened for a while. Usually I can't sleep. And then if I do manage to get some sleep, I either wake up every couple of hours or keep having horrible nightmares. But this was a good dream.

I miss him. I miss him more that words can say. I miss him to a point that I almost youtubed that song by Haddaway. Ok, so I did.

I wish I understood exactly what happened. I keep going over that last week in Spain in my head, I keep staring at the words of that last conversation on Skype... And I'm no closer to any kind of redemption. I mean... it can't just be the marriage, can it? 

I know marriage isn't any kind of a guarantee of a happy end, but before giving up on it I feel I should have the chance to try it. It does work for many couples. When ever I see these octogenarians, still holding hands and smiling together...I know I'm right.  That's what I want. (I know I could be wrong too - there's always a chance that they just met the night before in the local swingers club's bondage night and are now in the middle of their hip replacement-hindered walk of shame.)

I've seen how quickly that happy end can turn to a very unhappy one (no, I'm not talking about Britney Spears in which case the answer is 55 hours. That's how quickly.) A friend of mine ended filing for a divorce after learning her husband had gotten another woman pregnant. Oh, and that other woman? His own cousin.

Another friend's husband died. 

And that brings us to a very sombre conclusion: at the end of the day... there really are no happy ends, outside Thai massage parlours anyway. Even if you do manage to survive all life's hurdles, still holding hands and smiling at each other... then one of  you goes and dies!  And there you are again: miserable, heart-broken and alone. And yet... yet we're willing to take that plunge and believe in love; willing to risk getting burnt. Why? Because if it succeeds... you're in for the kind of happiness, fulfillment, security and sense of belonging that only love can give. 

Remember all those useless things I studied in order to become unemployable? One thing they taught was how little man has really changed over the course of history. Yes, there have been some undeniably good developments, such as indoor plumbing, tampons, liposuction and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Oh yeah, and that Internet (What a clever little thing that is!) But essentially we, the humans, are still the same. Stupid, greedy, fallible, ignorant, vulnerable, beer-swigging hapless little creatures... all looking for love. 

I remember a poem one of the workmen building the Valley of the Kings had engraved on the wall of their dwelling. It detailed his sickness; how he's so ill no doctor can cure him and all because he hasn't seen his loved one for a week. But that when they'll see again, he's going to be fine again.

Love. In all its consuming, inconvenient messiness it's managed to stick around for longer than guillotine, zeppelins and VHS. There must be something to it...