Time is supposed to heal. Time is supposed to make it better. Time is something I should give myself, I'm told. That "time" seems like quite a hard-working, multitasking son of a bitch. But I can tell you, none of those are happening. I still find myself sitting shiva, barefoot and bereft.
When will this pain subside? When will I stop crying?
It's been over 3 months since that ill-fated proposal. Something has happened with about one month intervals since. After the first month we got talking again and I thought we were going somewhere with it. Only to be burned again. Then there were the flowers and the card. And again I got my hopes up. Only for nothing to come out of that one either. Now it's been a month since that. And having clearly learnt nothing, I still find myself hoping this might not be it. I'm such a retard. When it comes to love I'm Helen Keller. I'm those three monkeys. I see no evil, I hear no evil, I can't help but proposing to evil.
My friend says these are all mind games; that this is how he keeps toying with me.But the thing is... I really don't think he's evil. I don't think he deliberately sets out to hurt me. But I can't really think any alternatives either.
I'm an emotional roller coaster. I feel sad, betrayed, hurt, anxious, confused, frustrated, redundant, disappointed and ashamed. Ashamed for not being good enough. And I feel angry. But not at him. At myself.
I feel angry I couldn't see this. I feel angry for not being able to let go. I feel angry for not knowing how much I've made up in my own head. My friends say I lit up when I talked about him. Did I just imagine we had something special?
But... I don't think I did. I just talked with my sister. And she's equally puzzled. I think she actually liked him. And she doesn't like anyone. The only men she gets along with are Ben and Jerry. She can't believe all this as she says that based on talking with him, she really thought we'd last. And that impression is also echoed by a friend's sentiments. She too got the impression from The Man that he was in it for the long-haul.
And I wonder what he is feeling (as has already been established, he was so gifted in that department)? Has he moved on; having met someone who's happy being just a girlfriend? Is there already someone else; another woman who gets to see him, make him laugh and keep him happy?
Do remember, that night we met he was supposed to be on his honeymoon. Yes, honeymoon. The man who doesn't want to marry me was supposed to be married to somebody else...
Sometimes it's easier to internalise anger and turn it against yourself, even when we know that we haven't done anything worthy of that anger.
ReplyDeleteI once read that it's normal to grieve when a significant relationship ends, for whatever reason. You aren't just grieving the the loss of The Man, but also for the loss of the good parts of the relationship, and the hopes you had for your future together.
I won't presume to know when you will start to feel less bereft, but I know that the day will come when you start to move on in the grieving process. I turn to anger once the worst of the shock has passed, but that's just how I react to these things.
As I'm trying to navigate through all this confusion (and confused I must be; I'm actually quoting Phil Collins out there!), I'm so glad to have Confucius like you out there :-)Thank you for all your kind and wise words!
ReplyDeleteWell, I sometimes end up quoting my psychologist, so not all of these nuggets of wisdom are my own ;)
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