Shit people say

I'm trying to complete one of those psychological aptitude evaluation tests. I'm struggling. 


I know I'm supposed to go with my instinct and be honest. I just can't seem to decide which kind of honest: a raging, perfection-demanding dictator- honest  or the indecisive, hard-working, hair-splitting doormat-  honest? And the thing is, the test results will pretty much determine whether or not I'll make the next round of the screening process. It's daunting. They'll analyze me based on those answers. What if they too will decide they don't  like me?

It's like in relationships. You open up and show yourself to the other person, warts and all, just so that he can decide that he didn't really like what he saw after all. And I'm soooo not ready for another "it's not you,  it's me" talks.

The amount of shit people say and don't mean is ridiculous. And the things is, those things fail to provide any consolation since we all know they're bullshit.


"It's not you, it's me". OF COURSE IT'S YOU AND YOU KNOW IT! If it wasn't you he'd still want to go out with you!

"Size really doesn't matter". Bollocks. Everybody knows it does. Be it paycheck, steak, diamond, bottle of shampoo you get for free or schmeckie (that's Yiddische-Frigidische for penis). Bigger is always better. And if you don't quite measure up, you'd better be able to compensate it with the size of your wallet (and again, bigger is better).

"I've inherited my mother's quick metabolism- no matter how many cheeseburgers I eat, I just never seem to put on any weight!" It's called eating disorder, darling, not metabolism. The last time you were anywhere near a cheeseburger was when you drove past the McD drive-through on your pilates, yoga, yogilates or what ever it is you're doing this week. Let's face it: you maintain your figure with a  diet of  "not eating anything" with a a hefty side order of "lying". As did your mum.

"It's the inner beauty that counts". Sure. That's why we buy those over-priced glossies:  for the pictures of airbrushed personalities. That's why we pluck and tweeze and wax and shave and deodorize and scrub and peel and tone and moisturize and tint and dye and highlight and lipo-suck - because we want our personalities to look good in those jeans that always get us noticed even from across a crowded bar.

"It's about the joy of participating, not about winning"? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Tell that to any English football fan and expect to get shot. You choose which gives more joy: travelling to the World Cup every 4 years just to be humiliated by getting kicked out of the tournament by the Dutch or the Swedes OR winning that trophy for the first time since 1966? Yeah, you choose...