Fool me twice...

I've been rambling about the injustice in the world and dabbled with the first 2 steps of those 12, both to keep me and you distracted. But buying time hasn't helped and time seems to have come to admit my defeat.

The Man and me got texting on Skype the other night. We we're talking about what a weird situation we have and how I just wanted to get through this and be together, for real. And he said we would. I told him how I was having difficulties trusting him and him being serious about the future when I didn't have anything tangible to base my belief in. I said I wished we did have something, trying to explain how it might also help us get through this- giving us something to focus on; something good to look forward to. 

And he said he understood. And that he'd promised to look after me. And that even without the words he knows would make the difference for me he still feels in his head it's the same. 

And as I stared at the conversation unfolding on the laptop screen I felt this cold flush rush through me. Nothing has changed after all. He still hasn't changed his mind about marriage. 

He doesn't want to address issue because he feels it just upsets us. I on the other had can't stand his ostrich approach. He feels "we're a strong couple" and "want a lot of the same things". But at the same time he makes me feel irrational and stubborn for "only accepting one solution". What he doesn't seem to get is that he's every bit as black and white. That his refusal rejects us too. 

I feel so stupid. I really thought we we're onto something. I've explained so many times why marriage is a deal-breaker to me and yet, here I am. Again.

Which begs the question: why did he beg for a second chance, knowing exactly where I stand?