Back to square one

The shock is starting to subside. The bravado is wearing thin and I'm beginning to realize I'm as much a mess I was 7 months ago. I can actually relate to Zsa Zsa Gabor, who's just realized she is missing a  leg. 18 months after the amputation. Bless her. They must be giving her the really good drugs. I wish I had something other than Merlot and eBay to get me through this.

I've changed the Facebook status. Ironically enough it has changed itself back into "in a relationship" twice now. My FB profile is every bit as much in denial as the person it belongs to. I've started telling people. And it makes me feel empty and nauseous. 

Every time the phone rings, my heart stops. I close my eyes before picking the phone because I'm still hoping it will be him. I keep checking my e-mail every 36 seconds to see if he's decided to get in touch. I keep imagining how upon returning from that trip to Asia he'll make a stop in my country, turns up at my doorstep and asks me to marry him. I'm such an idiot. I'm so out of touch with reality somebody should give me a Middle Eastern country to run.

I wish I didn't feel the way I do about marriage. I really do. Life would be so much easier, seeing how to most people my views are hopelessly dated. I should be on UNESCO's World Heritage list. 

But I just don't believe in just living together. The way Welsh don't believe in vowels. Or leaving those sheep alone.
                         
                                                 

For the past month or so I've been having weird dreams. They have now stopped and I just wake up feeling numb, in a Zombie-like state. In the last dream I can remember I was about to get married to The Man. For some reason I was the one waiting at the altar as he was making his way down the aisle. I remember looking at him and realizing everything about his persona said he didn't want to go through with it- he just couldn't bring himself to say it and I had to figure out by myself. When I told him about the dream that I had found so upsetting I actually woke up in tears he said he would never do such a thing to me.

Little did I know how little he'd be willing to do for me.

I once told The Man he was the love of my life. He laughed and said he knew that already. Maybe one day I'll get to be the love of someone's life...?