Will he, won't he?

As the trip to Spain gets closer, I get moodier.

It's a time-honoured tradition; a well-established pattern even I have come to recognize. This always happens in the run-up to the next encounter with The Man. I'm supposed to be giddy and full of excitement but the closer the D day gets, the more I start to panic and question my expectations. So I know I shouldn't put too much weight on this. But I do.

As has become evident to all of you by now, when it comes to The Man, my judgement (poor to begin with) cannot be trusted. I'd never advice anyone to give yet another chance to someone who has this blatantly strung the other person along, casually ignoring their innermost needs and desires.

The truth is, I'm terrified. Not about having to parade around in a bikini (it's going to be +20 after all) but him. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up, believing in him and once more allowing myself to harbour ideas of this actually going somewhere. I'm terrified of ending up as devastated and heart-broken as I have in the past.

And what really worries me is that I'm not sure he still understands how much he's hurt me; what hard work it's been for me, my family and my friends to pick up the pieces and put them together. I'm not sure he understands that after all that I need more than half-hearted promises about proposals to believe he is serious about our future together.

So right now even I don't know how much is about me falling into the usual panic mode and how much is genuine apprehension. So, I resort to passive aggressive evasiveness and avoid him. As any mature individual would.

This is most coherence I've mustered:

A) I'm not looking forward to the trip itself. As we left it so late, the only flight that was available in the 3-figure range was a 10-hour journey with two plane changes. I'll be travelling through every single Scandinavian airport. What are the chances my luggage will turn up on the same plane as I? Same day as I? Same country as I?

B) I can't help but wonder... What exactly do I expect to come out of this trip? A proposal? No proposal? How would I feel about either prospect? Bearing in mind that so far the Grandest Gesture he's been able to produce has been phoning me just to tell me he's not going to propose on the phone. 

C) In case he really, truly, finally, unequivocally was serious about a commitment...and understood why it was needed...surely he would have gotten on a plane, arrived at my door step and proposed? As opposed to paying me to fly there for another episode of "Talk is cheap"?

D) Even if he did propose, nothing would change. He still doesn't have a new job to relocate to. I'm desperately trying to find a job in my own country and trust me, after all this hassle it's taken, should I ever find one, I'm not in a rush to leave it.

I (might) have overworked myself into a frenzy over this whole "will he won't he"- scenario but still. I'm tired of his lukewarm attempts at romance. I'm tired of him skirting around the topic, not addressing the topic, refusing to have any actual conversation about the topic. I'm starting to think he really isn't so sure about the topic after all.

And all this... is just making me uneasy. I think about the proposal, I think about the wedding... and I don't feel excited. I just feel worn out.