Throughout this job-hunt my cheerleading squad has kept rooting for me even when I myself have lost faith. And no-one has been more relentless with his support than my GBFF. He keeps reminding me how I need to find a job, if not for any other reason, but in order to keep us both in booze.
How's that for a charitable pursuit? Others adopt/ sponsor starving and underprivileged kids in Africa, I sponsor a 30-year-old gay man with promiscuous ways to rival those of Ron Jeremy and the liver the size of Senegal.
Though I must say his honesty is refreshing.
I got talking with some of my friends the other day and discovered that all this time I've been wrong. It's not communication that is the cornerstone of any relationship- it's the dishonesty of that communication! Just think about it. We lie pursuing one, we lie in order to maintain one and God, do we lie when trying to end one.
"You play accordeon? I LOVE accordeon!"
"You know, I never have sex on the first date but for you..."
"Can I have your phone number so I can call you?"
Lies. And they just get more elaborate from then on.
"No, of course your bum doesn't look big in those trousers! (No, wait, that was my Glastonbury tent, wasn't it?)"
"Wow- I've never seen anything as big as that one!!!" (Right. I wonder if I still have those pictures of Steve...)
"Not tonight, love- I have a headache." (And will continue having one until you shave off that stupid Movember moustache and get it through your head that clitoris is not an urban legend.)
All lies. And just wait until we're trying to get rid of you.
"Look, it's not you, it's me".
* We both know what this classic means. It's soooo totally, wholeheartedly, unquestionably, inevitably, unequivocally you. And the thing is, even you know it.
"It's just that I just got out of a relationship and am not really ready for one".
* Yeah right. If you were Angelina Jolie/ Brad Pitt, (s)he would.
"I am going through a really busy phase in my life right now and don't really have time for a full-blown relationship"
* Strangely, they still manage to have time for their 3-times-a-week accordeon lessons. And stamp collecting. And always keeping their Fantasy Football scores up-to-date.
"Look, I think I might be gay".
* My ultimate favourite. Though... there's a chance this only happens to me. And that it's not really a lie.
See? In our desperate attempts to "let them down gently"... is anybody actually feeling gently let-down? We all know the other person doesn't really mean any of those. Or have any of you actually ever walked home from a date when any of the excuses listed in section 3 have been employed, with a smile on their face, hopeful and still thinking: yeah, he's, like, totally going to call me? NO.
So... at the end of the day are we really doing anyone any favours by playing this game? Are anyone's feelings escaping unscathed because of all this? NO.
But there's always the exception (apart from the French grammar in which case there are about 539 of them): a woman excusing herself to powder her nose. That's the one occasion when you really don't want to know what's really going to go on...
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